WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.060 --> 00:00:04.200
Lenore: Just a little reminder that

2
00:00:04.270 --> 00:00:08.670
Lenore: silence breaks after breakfast tomorrow.

3
00:00:08.990 --> 00:00:11.890
Lenore: Just as per normal.

4
00:00:20.010 --> 00:00:24.830
Lenore: So today's topic is voice and

5
00:00:25.280 --> 00:00:30.929
Lenore: we've been thinking a lot about and talking a lot about

6
00:00:31.340 --> 00:00:39.980
Lenore: voice as it pertains to speaking out, especially speaking out in our

7
00:00:41.050 --> 00:00:44.619
Lenore: community and speaking out in our larger world.

8
00:00:45.620 --> 00:00:57.739
Lenore:  my session we need this evening is going to bring it back as I do to the individual level.

9
00:01:00.460 --> 00:01:08.210
Lenore: I read in a Baha'i book again. Another, you know example of secular Dhamma being able to take wisdom from anywhere.

10
00:01:08.570 --> 00:01:12.580
Lenore: You may have come across the the religion Baha'i

11
00:01:13.060 --> 00:01:25.280
Lenore:  It was a little book that just had a bunch of phrases, inspirational phrases. And what have you in it? And in it? It's said, and this is my I've I've modernized the wording a little bit, but

12
00:01:25.460 --> 00:01:28.370
Lenore: material fire consumes the body.

13
00:01:29.090 --> 00:01:33.079
Lenore: the fire of the tongue consumes the heart and the soul.

14
00:01:35.170 --> 00:01:50.560
Lenore: So, living aside any notion of a soul. These words point to how destructive speech can be. Harmful speech can be. and there's a reason it got a whole path to it a whole fold to itself in the path in the eightfold path.

15
00:01:51.410 --> 00:02:03.249
Lenore: And if we're going to try and live our lives somewhere on that spectrum between non harm and kindness. Then we have to focus on speech

16
00:02:03.690 --> 00:02:05.439
Lenore: as part of our practice.

17
00:02:05.780 --> 00:02:10.310
Lenore: It's arguably the most frequent means with which we engage

18
00:02:10.479 --> 00:02:11.590
Lenore: with the world.

19
00:02:13.800 --> 00:02:23.890
Lenore: So we've been talking a lot about the big global crises that we face, which are clearly and obviously extremely important.

20
00:02:24.590 --> 00:02:27.870
Lenore: But the world in crisis is not just this

21
00:02:28.000 --> 00:02:35.769
Lenore: 110 plus armed conflicts around the world. It's not just climate change and all the big things.

22
00:02:36.590 --> 00:02:45.079
Lenore: It's the worlds of the people that we touch every day the people whose lives that we touch every day. and in the developed world

23
00:02:45.890 --> 00:02:58.870
Lenore: there is, you may remember, in that list of crises that we were working with in the whether to see or not to see exercise. I had one in there that I that I called the unhappiness epidemic.

24
00:02:59.060 --> 00:03:02.699
Lenore: And you know, in the developed world

25
00:03:03.240 --> 00:03:10.090
Lenore: the rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide are on the rise, and they were well before Covid hit.

26
00:03:13.710 --> 00:03:19.629
Lenore: I've been, as I've mentioned to you a couple of times for many years facilitating leadership development

27
00:03:20.300 --> 00:03:22.070
Lenore: programs. And

28
00:03:22.190 --> 00:03:31.669
Lenore: the I actually developed a program that that I ran for years, and it started with a I'd have a 2 h meeting with every

29
00:03:32.030 --> 00:03:36.560
Lenore: potential participant and

30
00:03:36.990 --> 00:03:42.700
Lenore: The purpose of that meeting was for me to assess whether I thought they were going to benefit from it.

31
00:03:42.730 --> 00:03:46.300
Lenore: whether they're love of comfort

32
00:03:46.490 --> 00:03:51.180
Lenore: outweighed their love of learning, because learning is pretty uncomfortable sometimes.

33
00:03:51.540 --> 00:04:01.630
Lenore: So to do that II got them to sort of fill out a little, you know, answer some questions and see how comfortable. They were

34
00:04:01.890 --> 00:04:02.990
Lenore: being open

35
00:04:03.120 --> 00:04:05.810
Lenore: and sharing their vulnerability.

36
00:04:05.950 --> 00:04:11.439
Lenore: And then I'd have a sort of heart to heart with them in this in this two-hour session.

37
00:04:12.900 --> 00:04:18.830
Lenore: And so it's incredible, you know, and often it was the first time I'd met these participants.

38
00:04:19.230 --> 00:04:30.850
Lenore: and it doesn't matter what kind of person they are. The the most. The company that I did the most leadership work with was a equipment hire company.

39
00:04:31.290 --> 00:04:41.730
Lenore: So my clientele were equipment, loving blokes and so I was having these 2 other conversations with these real blokey blokes.

40
00:04:42.230 --> 00:04:46.150
Lenore: And yeah, you know, it was amazing. The

41
00:04:46.570 --> 00:04:47.720
Lenore: the

42
00:04:47.830 --> 00:04:55.779
Lenore: depth and realness of those of many of those most of those conversations that I had with people. So they?

43
00:04:55.870 --> 00:05:00.400
Lenore: I asked. As you know, I asked searching questions quite deliberately

44
00:05:01.060 --> 00:05:06.480
Lenore: about families of origin, about turning points in life. You know some of these things that

45
00:05:06.850 --> 00:05:09.140
Lenore: to get them to share some real stuff.

46
00:05:09.350 --> 00:05:15.980
Lenore: and through the course of that and through then, also, you know, running leadership programs for many years.

47
00:05:17.070 --> 00:05:21.829
Lenore: Something an insight that came to me is you don't need too many people in a room

48
00:05:22.290 --> 00:05:26.019
Lenore: before you've got someone dealing with some pretty tough stuff.

49
00:05:27.740 --> 00:05:28.990
Lenore: And

50
00:05:29.210 --> 00:05:37.560
Lenore: so you know, we talk about these big crises, and you know that I know and and think and believe and act that they're important.

51
00:05:38.520 --> 00:05:41.739
Lenore: But the individual world is also important.

52
00:05:42.780 --> 00:05:44.110
Lenore: If my

53
00:05:44.150 --> 00:05:47.240
Lenore: safe, comfortable, prosperous world

54
00:05:47.760 --> 00:05:49.280
Lenore: is so

55
00:05:49.350 --> 00:05:52.310
Lenore: bad that I take my own life.

56
00:05:55.280 --> 00:05:58.230
Lenore: how can we say the individual world doesn't matter?

57
00:05:59.650 --> 00:06:02.529
Lenore: How can we say that? It's only about

58
00:06:03.300 --> 00:06:15.429
Lenore: the group and the global? It's also about the individual. So hence my session with you tonight is is more about our words

59
00:06:15.780 --> 00:06:18.139
Lenore: to the people whose lives we touch.

60
00:06:18.270 --> 00:06:20.590
Lenore: On a daily basis.

61
00:06:22.160 --> 00:06:30.289
Lenore: You might have had the experience. I don't know. Maybe the parents in the room have have had experiences like this. For me. It's been

62
00:06:30.630 --> 00:06:43.090
Lenore: primarily leadership participants. I'm having it again now that I'm coaching kids but where someone says to you, oh, I remember when you said that thought that that thought that.

63
00:06:43.410 --> 00:06:49.890
Lenore: And you know you usually when someone says that your ears prick up and you're waiting. Okay, what did I say?

64
00:06:50.120 --> 00:06:52.310
Lenore: And you may or may not remember it.

65
00:06:52.620 --> 00:06:54.990
Lenore:  But

66
00:06:55.220 --> 00:06:57.480
Lenore: what this experience shows is

67
00:06:58.520 --> 00:07:02.460
Lenore: that words can stick. They can really stay with people.

68
00:07:03.930 --> 00:07:09.559
Lenore:  our words matter.

69
00:07:11.480 --> 00:07:19.970
Lenore: And you can probably also, I mean, there's not even any. Probably we could all recall things that have been said to us that were damaging.

70
00:07:20.110 --> 00:07:21.840
Lenore: that were hurtful

71
00:07:22.770 --> 00:07:28.950
Lenore: at the time, so words can be weapons. They can be a solve for hurt and pain.

72
00:07:29.170 --> 00:07:37.290
Lenore: They can be inspiration for behaving differently. and they can be a rallying call for group action. They're really powerful

73
00:07:38.430 --> 00:07:43.420
Lenore: things. They're arguably the most frequent impact on our world that we have.

74
00:07:45.330 --> 00:07:52.479
Lenore: So I said that words can be weapons. We all know that. And when when that's the case, it's often in situations where we're feeling reactive.

75
00:07:53.510 --> 00:08:05.009
Lenore: And we're often feeling reactive around others when we perceive some kind of potential rupture to our relationship with them. Or we think someone's been unkind or unfair

76
00:08:05.100 --> 00:08:07.870
Lenore: in the actions, perhaps treading on our needs.

77
00:08:08.510 --> 00:08:14.489
Lenore:  essentially, when we're feeling hurt or afraid in in some way.

78
00:08:16.240 --> 00:08:20.649
Lenore: and the feeling of anger is also a pretty good indication that hurt or fear. Present

79
00:08:20.870 --> 00:08:29.029
Lenore: anger is usually a defense to protect ourselves. I remember it was actually an actress who I first heard say this

80
00:08:29.040 --> 00:08:30.520
Lenore: Susan Sarandon.

81
00:08:30.810 --> 00:08:38.240
Lenore: that she was being interviewed in on TV, and and she said, our anger is never the first emotion.

82
00:08:39.419 --> 00:08:54.129
Lenore: and I've thought about that for a lot of years and played with it and tested it out, and I've found it to be true. Anger is a defense, and it's defending something. Softer and more vulnerable underneath it.

83
00:08:54.980 --> 00:09:06.520
Lenore: So anger is, you know, a reaction. It's often what comes up in reactivity. but it's usually there to protect something softer and more vulnerable.

84
00:09:07.770 --> 00:09:08.860
Lenore: So

85
00:09:10.190 --> 00:09:15.710
Lenore: Gothamer's advice. He he talked about

86
00:09:16.040 --> 00:09:22.389
Lenore: speech and my shorthand for Godima's attitude to speech. And it's and I use this all the time.

87
00:09:22.940 --> 00:09:25.119
Lenore: Is is it true?

88
00:09:25.790 --> 00:09:29.289
Lenore: Is it helpful? Is at the right time.

89
00:09:30.840 --> 00:09:34.380
Lenore: Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it the right time? So

90
00:09:34.870 --> 00:09:43.830
Lenore: true? Is, you know, in some ways obvious? Is it factual? Is it deceptive or misleading in any way. Is it straightforward?

91
00:09:45.280 --> 00:09:47.740
Lenore: I remember reading

92
00:09:47.970 --> 00:09:51.750
Lenore:  in a suit a

93
00:09:51.880 --> 00:09:53.930
Lenore: be no deceiver of the world.

94
00:09:55.170 --> 00:09:56.980
Lenore: so it's obviously not just lying.

95
00:09:58.390 --> 00:10:04.230
Lenore: Helpful includes that it's beneficial comes from an intent of goodwill

96
00:10:05.590 --> 00:10:08.929
Lenore: that it's unifying rather than divisive.

97
00:10:10.540 --> 00:10:12.380
Lenore: And that it's

98
00:10:13.080 --> 00:10:17.660
Lenore: palatable. It's digestible. But it's delivered in a way that I can take it in.

99
00:10:18.820 --> 00:10:26.260
Lenore: That doesn't trigger somebody's defenses. That's pleasant, affectionate, and endearing. If we can manage that.

100
00:10:28.530 --> 00:10:32.210
Lenore: And that's where somebody mentioned earlier today. The issues of tone

101
00:10:32.360 --> 00:10:39.949
Lenore: and nonverbal communication, too. So you know, word, choice, facial expression, tone of voice.

102
00:10:40.250 --> 00:10:41.730
Lenore: all come into this.

103
00:10:42.830 --> 00:10:46.320
Lenore:  this issue of

104
00:10:46.440 --> 00:10:51.050
Lenore: a voice of speech, even though it's not all voice, it's it's communication.

105
00:10:52.820 --> 00:10:56.750
Lenore: An interesting one on this

106
00:10:57.160 --> 00:11:00.620
Lenore: in the sort of is the issue of meaningfulness of speech.

107
00:11:00.660 --> 00:11:05.199
Lenore: So there's talk about idle chit, chat, and gossip

108
00:11:05.700 --> 00:11:09.550
Lenore: not being a great way to use one's voice.

109
00:11:10.410 --> 00:11:15.120
Lenore: and that's an interesting one that I've played with over the years.

110
00:11:15.330 --> 00:11:16.570
Lenore: and

111
00:11:17.710 --> 00:11:29.100
Lenore: as I've sort of developed my practice over the years, I have indeed found myself much less interested in and willing to engage in idle chit chat.

112
00:11:29.150 --> 00:11:32.810
Lenore: and certainly gossip. especially if it's

113
00:11:32.880 --> 00:11:49.440
Lenore:  Well, yeah, generally. I just. I try to check myself if I'm participating. And there was a while there where I you know, I kind of didn't really even want to go to parties or big group things because of this.

114
00:11:50.950 --> 00:11:55.170
Lenore: Since then I've sort of the the pendulum's come back a little bit.

115
00:11:55.240 --> 00:12:03.559
Lenore:  because I see sometimes chit chat, you know. Idle chit chat is really just saying

116
00:12:03.840 --> 00:12:11.989
Lenore: I'm friendly. I see you. I'm with you. I want to know you. you know, and the words themselves actually aren't the point.

117
00:12:12.060 --> 00:12:29.890
Lenore: It's really just that you're saying I'm willing to engage. I'm willing to be friendly with you. And so, almost not being willing to engage not being willing to have idle chit chat is, you know, potentially harmful. It's potentially saying, I don't, you know, not interested in you, not willing to engage with you?

118
00:12:30.740 --> 00:12:39.370
Lenore:  and it's also sometimes just a joy, you know, sharing a humorous moment with someone. For example.

119
00:12:39.540 --> 00:12:54.770
Lenore: some of you might know Jill Shepherd. She's a Duma teacher who often runs the New Year retreat in the Blue Mountains in Sydney. A bunch of years ago. Now she came and gave a talk at Beecher's Sangha.

120
00:12:55.600 --> 00:13:00.429
Lenore: and she stayed the night at our place, and

121
00:13:00.890 --> 00:13:03.710
Lenore: I'll never forget sitting on the couch with her.

122
00:13:03.840 --> 00:13:13.150
Lenore: I can't remember you. Somebody in the room might know the name. There's an Australian woman who makes these little videos of herself. She's a sort of plumpish.

123
00:13:13.360 --> 00:13:16.479
Lenore: middle-aged, suburban Australian woman.

124
00:13:16.800 --> 00:13:24.380
Lenore: So lisp! Yes, I think that's it. And she makes these videos that are a sort of takeoff of some celebrity.

125
00:13:24.760 --> 00:13:30.890
Lenore: And but and so she sort of mimics them and videos herself. But you know, the celebrity is usually

126
00:13:31.110 --> 00:13:34.210
Lenore: yeah. Has no body fat, lots of makeup.

127
00:13:34.230 --> 00:13:43.760
Lenore: It's terribly curated, and she does it, just as you know, the suburban housewife in in the in.

128
00:13:43.940 --> 00:13:54.029
Lenore: you know, cheek, Trackie decks, and and Jill was showing me this, and you know we were having a real laugh, you know, sitting on the couch.

129
00:13:54.060 --> 00:14:00.589
Lenore: you know. That's I don't know that could be considered idle chit chat. And yet, you know, here I was with this

130
00:14:01.200 --> 00:14:13.210
Lenore: as close as you can come to a you know, nun, even though she's not I don't think. You know. engaging in idle chit chat on the couch and

131
00:14:14.200 --> 00:14:16.800
Lenore: didn't see any problem with that. It was good fun.

132
00:14:17.630 --> 00:14:34.549
Lenore: So that's that's the helpful, you know, the helpful for me covers in my in my little, you know, quick in the moment. Check. Is it true? Is it helpful? Is at the right time helpful covers, you know all those things good, intent, beneficial, delivered, you know, helpfully

133
00:14:34.670 --> 00:14:47.870
Lenore: uniting, uniting of people rather than divisive of people. and then the right time. And so right time is a judgment about a judgment call about. You know the impact that it's going to have on the receiver. If you choose to

134
00:14:47.980 --> 00:14:52.190
Lenore: choose to say what you're going to say now rather than at another time.

135
00:14:52.350 --> 00:14:55.509
Lenore: you know. Are they in an emotional state to be able to take it in?

136
00:14:56.290 --> 00:15:05.110
Lenore:  Are you alone with the other person, or is somebody else listening in in that story I shared with you a few days ago about the grumpy

137
00:15:05.330 --> 00:15:12.409
Lenore: hurdles coach, who told me I had a real problem with my hurdles technique. And yeah, when I decided I was going to go and talk to him about it.

138
00:15:12.940 --> 00:15:18.469
Lenore:  it took 2 or 3 nights of seeing him before I could.

139
00:15:18.510 --> 00:15:24.850
Lenore: because I thought I'll get him on his own. I don't want to get him in front of other people, because, you know

140
00:15:24.940 --> 00:15:28.009
Lenore: they could embarrass him and could make him more likely to

141
00:15:28.380 --> 00:15:34.399
Lenore: reacts badly, you know. So I thought, when's the right time? The right time is when I can get him on his own

142
00:15:34.480 --> 00:15:41.610
Lenore: without his his squad around. So  Bearing in mind the the timing of it.

143
00:15:44.070 --> 00:15:56.660
Lenore:  So before I jumping to tonight's offering, which is a very practical thing that I hope you're going to find really useful, and you'll take with you and and use, you know, whenever it's helpful.

144
00:15:56.720 --> 00:16:04.660
Lenore: There's another tactic that I actually meant to share with you the other day when we're talking about intentions or imagination

145
00:16:05.110 --> 00:16:18.519
Lenore: at the time. and that is a little tactic. So it's it's an element of voice. That can be used either when you feel

146
00:16:19.210 --> 00:16:27.530
Lenore: there might be a conflict brewing. or even if the conflict is kind of already underway. and

147
00:16:27.840 --> 00:16:37.059
Lenore: you can, if done skillfully, take the wind out of the sails. Other. and that is simply to ask, and we can ask this of others and also of ourselves.

148
00:16:38.200 --> 00:16:40.010
Lenore: what's my intention here?

149
00:16:40.450 --> 00:16:47.130
Lenore: Or you know what's your intention here?  or

150
00:16:47.140 --> 00:16:55.240
Lenore: you know there are other words you can use to ask the same question. You know, what impact would you like to have with this? What impact are you trying to have here.

151
00:16:56.060 --> 00:16:57.389
Lenore: It's

152
00:16:57.590 --> 00:17:10.079
Lenore: question that I actually wish I had thought of it in that moment when that grumpy coach said to me, You are real problems with your hurdle technique. Because in the moments that followed that

153
00:17:10.670 --> 00:17:19.250
Lenore: that that kind of what went through my mind was first, the first response in my mind was, Oh, that's interesting. Ask him what what he thinks. The problem is.

154
00:17:19.420 --> 00:17:35.480
Lenore: because I just I'm a bit of a learning machine, and I'm always interested to hear you know. What? What do you think is wrong here? But then this all happens in Nanoseconds. Then I thought, he's not. He's not saying this to be constructive and helpful. He's saying it to be insulting

155
00:17:35.680 --> 00:17:37.900
Lenore: and then so

156
00:17:37.950 --> 00:17:49.869
Lenore: in the moment the best I could do was just say nothing and walk away. But actually, when I thought back about it, I wished I'd had the presence of mind to say. What's your intention with that comment, John.

157
00:17:51.150 --> 00:17:53.480
Lenore: I just I would love to have seen what he said.

158
00:17:54.900 --> 00:18:03.999
Lenore:  so it can. It can actually, really, just when when a conflict is kind of getting a steam up.

159
00:18:04.050 --> 00:18:07.529
Lenore: If you go back to intentions.

160
00:18:08.000 --> 00:18:13.700
Lenore: it can be a really really helpful thing, just as a means of, you know.

161
00:18:13.980 --> 00:18:29.419
Lenore: using speech to benefit relationship and also of myself. Actually. you know, if I'm thinking about saying something. and I've thought about it in that scenario, too. You know what's my intention? Why do I want to talk to him?

162
00:18:29.470 --> 00:18:33.259
Lenore: What outcome am I hoping to achieve here? What's my agenda?

163
00:18:34.390 --> 00:18:46.160
Lenore:  okay. So in today's session. I want to offer you a practical tool. To help with the ethical wielding of our words.

164
00:18:46.860 --> 00:18:53.500
Lenore: And it's it covers both content and process it. This isn't my creation.

165
00:18:53.590 --> 00:18:59.939
Lenore: It comes from. Some of you might already know it. Nonviolent communication. Have

166
00:19:00.110 --> 00:19:04.379
Lenore: people a couple of nods around the room. Sometimes it's called compassionate

167
00:19:04.390 --> 00:19:15.970
Lenore: communication. Marshall Rosenberg is the the chap who came up with it. It's a really powerful tool that when we do it well, it really boosts

168
00:19:16.100 --> 00:19:18.880
Lenore: both the true checkbox

169
00:19:19.030 --> 00:19:25.000
Lenore: in. Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it the right time and the helpful check? Yeah, checkbox?

170
00:19:26.070 --> 00:19:40.459
Lenore: And the other thing it does is really boost our own mindfulness of our emotions. of what we're what we're actually going through in a in a particular situation in a moment.

171
00:19:40.710 --> 00:19:50.759
Lenore: which is a hugely helpful thing on the path to dismantling reactivity. So those of you who've read my book would know my little take on on the second task.

172
00:19:50.910 --> 00:19:59.290
Lenore: Not so much letting reactivity be, although that's an important part of it, but is also more actively dismantling it and looking at how the reactivity

173
00:19:59.440 --> 00:20:05.309
Lenore: is put together the causes and conditions, and seeing if we can undo them somehow

174
00:20:06.720 --> 00:20:10.689
Lenore: and simply being able to name a feeling accurately.

175
00:20:11.160 --> 00:20:18.410
Lenore: it, it helps that feeling loosen its grip on you. It helps that reactivity. If it's present, loosen its grip on you.

176
00:20:18.750 --> 00:20:23.779
Lenore: And then the likelihood that reactivity is going to jump into the driver's seat of your behaviour.

177
00:20:23.840 --> 00:20:26.630
Lenore: Becomes lower.

178
00:20:28.020 --> 00:20:41.840
Lenore: So we're going to practice a skill today that you can take with you, and you can use that will help you stay on the on the non harm to kindness. End of the spectrum. and it involves speaking up for

179
00:20:41.990 --> 00:20:55.110
Lenore: the emotions that you're truly feeling with what we call clean language. So rather, what often what we do when we say when we talk about our feelings is that we cloak rather than saying a feeling, we'll we'll

180
00:20:55.170 --> 00:21:03.929
Lenore: will insert an assumption. an interpretation, or an accusation. So, for example.

181
00:21:03.940 --> 00:21:06.690
Lenore: I'm feeling

182
00:21:06.990 --> 00:21:08.020
Lenore: belittled.

183
00:21:09.510 --> 00:21:11.150
Lenore: Belittled's not a feeling

184
00:21:11.940 --> 00:21:14.580
Lenore: belittled is, I am

185
00:21:15.300 --> 00:21:20.039
Lenore: perceiving you, or interpreting your behaviour as belittling towards me

186
00:21:21.020 --> 00:21:25.680
Lenore: what I might be feeling. I'm just making this up, but is hurt.

187
00:21:26.070 --> 00:21:27.020
Lenore: maybe

188
00:21:27.880 --> 00:21:30.290
Lenore:  stuck

189
00:21:31.840 --> 00:21:34.259
Lenore: disconnected from you.

190
00:21:35.290 --> 00:21:44.220
Lenore: So when so so, this simple process of even speaking actual feelings.

191
00:21:44.350 --> 00:21:46.969
Lenore: when we're talking about feelings rather than

192
00:21:47.250 --> 00:21:56.209
Lenore: using words that can be accusations can be. Assumptions can be interpretations, is a really, really powerful if you can walk away with even just that

193
00:21:56.220 --> 00:21:59.739
Lenore: from tonight's session and use it. it'll have an impact.

194
00:22:02.940 --> 00:22:10.690
Lenore: But there's a second bit that's really helpful, too, here, and sometimes it knows. Sometimes it takes

195
00:22:10.720 --> 00:22:13.999
Lenore: some practice, and sometimes it takes a bit of

196
00:22:14.550 --> 00:22:17.800
Lenore: stopping and thinking and

197
00:22:18.010 --> 00:22:28.719
Lenore: investigating what we're feeling in it in a moment to be able to identify this. But the second thing it does, so we speak out our feelings cleanly.

198
00:22:29.160 --> 00:22:35.040
Lenore: and then we articulate the needs that we're trying to care for

199
00:22:35.740 --> 00:22:39.499
Lenore: and asking for the behavior that would help.

200
00:22:39.680 --> 00:22:44.250
Lenore: Now that sounds quite easy. Well, sorry. It sounds quite simple.

201
00:22:44.370 --> 00:22:57.120
Lenore: and it is, but it's not easy. However, when we get it right, it's incredibly powerful. My husband and I try to envy. See things when we've got conflicts that you know have a bit of reactivity around them.

202
00:22:57.590 --> 00:23:07.430
Lenore: And what I found that if if you do it in, if you use these skills and these language, this language in the, in the early stages of a conflict.

203
00:23:08.000 --> 00:23:20.300
Lenore:  it prevents it can, it can actually prevent it from ever kind of getting off the ground. And if it's already arisen, it can just take the wind out of a sails.

204
00:23:20.710 --> 00:23:22.839
Lenore: So it's really, really powerful.

205
00:23:22.950 --> 00:23:36.880
Lenore: And it also builds like trying, even just trying to do this with someone that you care about builds close, trusting, caring relationship.  and it just it deoxygenates

206
00:23:37.040 --> 00:23:38.130
Lenore: conflicts

207
00:23:38.630 --> 00:23:45.210
Lenore: even with people that you that you know. If you don't have a relationship with me, it still can work with them. So

208
00:23:45.490 --> 00:23:51.209
Lenore: now a lot of you have probably come across the good old eyes statement before.

209
00:23:52.530 --> 00:24:03.680
Lenore: So just to recap on that it's a. It's a somewhat skillful means of speaking up for what's going on for me if I'm upset about something. So the basic format is

210
00:24:03.960 --> 00:24:05.330
Lenore: when you

211
00:24:05.370 --> 00:24:16.199
Lenore: dot dot dot dot insert action, you know, behavior, or what was said or what was done, what was not said or not done. I feel dot dot dot Dot, we insert a feeling, and

212
00:24:16.410 --> 00:24:19.079
Lenore: it'd really help me if you'd be willing to

213
00:24:19.200 --> 00:24:24.730
Lenore: dot dot dot dot dot ask for the behavior that you want, so that's sort of more or less the basic

214
00:24:25.150 --> 00:24:31.269
Lenore: by statement that a lot of people would might come across in various trainings of different kinds.

215
00:24:31.630 --> 00:24:41.450
Lenore: And that's definitely a better. That's a definitely improvement on a lot of the more reactive ways that we can communicate when we're feeling upset.

216
00:24:42.010 --> 00:24:50.899
Lenore: However, Mvc process Turbocharges, the helpfulness of this kind of way of speaking with 3 changes.

217
00:24:51.480 --> 00:24:58.229
Lenore: The first one is that rather than starting with when you.

218
00:24:58.630 --> 00:25:02.649
Lenore: which immediately puts the focus on the other person.

219
00:25:03.360 --> 00:25:13.260
Lenore: If anyone's ever done this with you, soon, as someone says, when you the anxiety goes up, oh, what am I done?

220
00:25:13.340 --> 00:25:16.570
Lenore:  So

221
00:25:16.730 --> 00:25:20.329
Lenore: instead of that, it starts with me and my sensorium.

222
00:25:22.010 --> 00:25:25.270
Lenore: So it might be

223
00:25:27.520 --> 00:25:32.510
Lenore:  Okay. Regarding our conversation yesterday.

224
00:25:32.670 --> 00:25:34.650
Lenore: when I remember

225
00:25:36.140 --> 00:25:44.429
Lenore:  sharing my idea with you for what we do

226
00:25:44.480 --> 00:25:45.810
Lenore: on our week off.

227
00:25:46.940 --> 00:25:50.530
Lenore: and you ignored me and then changed the topic.

228
00:25:52.090 --> 00:25:58.309
Lenore: So I'm starting with me when I remember what's happening is here. I'm remembering something that happened.

229
00:25:59.640 --> 00:26:11.629
Lenore:  then we then same with the I statement we go move into, I feel. But here's here's where the clean feelings comes in where the clean language comes in. This is really powerful.

230
00:26:12.200 --> 00:26:22.790
Lenore: and we might need to take some time to reflect. And I've got we're going to do a bit of practice. I've got some little sheets to help you with this. You're going to work on a conflict that you've had recently.

231
00:26:24.300 --> 00:26:32.770
Lenore: So the norm is to use perceptions, interpretations, assumptions that often contain

232
00:26:32.820 --> 00:26:34.280
Lenore: covert blame

233
00:26:34.470 --> 00:26:40.790
Lenore: of the other person or covert criticism rather than the actual emotion that we're feeling.

234
00:26:41.430 --> 00:26:44.940
Lenore: So let me give you some examples.

235
00:26:46.910 --> 00:26:51.369
Lenore: you might resonate with maybe saying something like, I feel

236
00:26:51.590 --> 00:26:58.920
Lenore: unfairly accused. Okay, unfairly accused is not a feeling that's an action.

237
00:26:59.950 --> 00:27:03.680
Lenore: I feel or I feel criticised.

238
00:27:03.850 --> 00:27:07.500
Lenore: criticized is not a feeling. It's saying

239
00:27:07.730 --> 00:27:16.400
Lenore: I perceive you to have criticized me. It's not actually your feeling  So

240
00:27:17.000 --> 00:27:23.859
Lenore: when this comes at us, you know. If someone says to you. let's say if someone says to me.

241
00:27:23.980 --> 00:27:30.049
Lenore:  I feel betrayed, it's another one betrayed's not a feeling

242
00:27:30.500 --> 00:27:43.990
Lenore: the trades in action. If someone says to me, I feel betrayed and in my mind, and what I was doing in my little world. There was no betrayal going on. But this person is

243
00:27:44.040 --> 00:27:48.649
Lenore: upset, and they're telling me that they feel betrayed.

244
00:27:48.790 --> 00:27:52.569
Lenore: As soon as that comes out. I have real trouble

245
00:27:52.910 --> 00:27:56.339
Lenore: engaging with the rest of that of what's coming.

246
00:27:56.560 --> 00:28:05.780
Lenore: almost feels as if you know to be able to open and and absorb and listen and embrace. I've got to accept that. I've betrayed them.

247
00:28:07.780 --> 00:28:17.779
Lenore: and if I didn't. that's not what actually was happening from my little end of the world. I can't get past that. I can't get past the fact that

248
00:28:18.560 --> 00:28:21.549
she's telling me that I've betrayed her, and I haven't.

249
00:28:23.160 --> 00:28:25.009
Lenore: So if instead.

250
00:28:26.960 --> 00:28:31.189
Lenore: we say you know I feel shocked.

251
00:28:31.610 --> 00:28:32.680
Lenore: hurt.

252
00:28:34.100 --> 00:28:35.950
Lenore: I felt defensive.

253
00:28:37.140 --> 00:28:39.219
Lenore: I felt disconnected from you.

254
00:28:40.520 --> 00:28:41.830
Lenore: Their feelings.

255
00:28:43.700 --> 00:28:44.830
Lenore: and

256
00:28:46.200 --> 00:28:54.460
Lenore: the beauty of that is that if I care about you so this is especially powerful. If if it's in relationship with someone who actually cares about you.

257
00:28:55.420 --> 00:29:00.410
Lenore: I can. I can walk forward into that because I don't want to hurt you. I don't wanna.

258
00:29:00.620 --> 00:29:09.489
Lenore: I don't want you feeling defensive. I don't want you feeling hurt and and disconnected from me. so I can open to that. And I can listen.

259
00:29:14.610 --> 00:29:23.339
Lenore: The other thing that happens if we use those covert criticisms or those covert, you know, blames instead of nice, clean feelings.

260
00:29:23.750 --> 00:29:25.170
Lenore: is that

261
00:29:25.500 --> 00:29:30.289
Lenore: we can get stuck in an argument about what I was or wasn't doing.

262
00:29:31.540 --> 00:29:45.469
Lenore: You know. I felt betrayed. but I wasn't betraying, you know, and I'll get stuck on that, and then we'll and then and then the discussion instead of you know good communication about what was going on for you and

263
00:29:45.550 --> 00:29:47.230
Lenore: you know. What need

264
00:29:47.590 --> 00:29:55.109
Lenore: you felt was was not being looked after in that moment. We end up in this debate about what I was or wasn't doing.

265
00:29:57.630 --> 00:30:08.669
Lenore: and if any of this is resounding with any of you. But this is like, you know, we've just been half an hour arguing. We haven't even talked about the actual issue yet.

266
00:30:10.650 --> 00:30:24.790
Lenore: So then, the third section, once we've been able to say, Okay, this is what I'm thinking about. This is what I when I think about this thing that happened. this is how I feel. We use a nice, clean feeling. That's an actual feeling.

267
00:30:25.470 --> 00:30:32.960
Lenore: And then the next section, which is also super. Helpful. is we? It lays bare our motive.

268
00:30:33.250 --> 00:30:48.109
Lenore: So it lays bare the need that I'm trying to have met the founder of Nbc. Marshall Rosenberg. He says, every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger

269
00:30:48.270 --> 00:30:51.060
Lenore: is the tragic expression of an unmet need.

270
00:30:54.920 --> 00:31:00.009
Lenore: So this is where we speak up for our needs. We own them and needs are pretty universal.

271
00:31:00.490 --> 00:31:08.459
Lenore: So they're pretty hard to argue with, and most people are going to empathize empathise with them. So they're things like my need for peace.

272
00:31:08.850 --> 00:31:15.829
Lenore: my need for closeness. my need for intimacy with you. my need for trust.

273
00:31:16.860 --> 00:31:27.550
Lenore: my need for freedom, my need for authenticity my need for safety. you know. No one's going to say to you, oh, we shouldn't have a need for safety. That's your problem.

274
00:31:27.580 --> 00:31:33.440
Lenore: right? We we get that we get if we really talk about real, actual needs.

275
00:31:34.630 --> 00:31:37.949
Lenore: Anyone who cares for us is going to open to this.

276
00:31:43.070 --> 00:31:44.030
Lenore: So

277
00:31:45.210 --> 00:31:55.199
Lenore: again, especially in relationship. When conflict occurs, we're usually wanting to keep that relationship healthy. We actually care about each other.

278
00:31:56.590 --> 00:31:59.279
Lenore: And so when we practice the courage

279
00:31:59.360 --> 00:32:07.099
Lenore: to speak up for our needs. In the midst of this we reorient the conversation towards that care.

280
00:32:11.430 --> 00:32:18.670
Lenore: So it might be. You know I feel shocked, hurt, defensive, and and disconnected from from you.

281
00:32:18.740 --> 00:32:22.230
Lenore: because I very much value trust, honesty

282
00:32:22.990 --> 00:32:24.260
and closeness.

283
00:32:25.800 --> 00:32:29.170
Lenore: You know. How can someone who loves you

284
00:32:29.180 --> 00:32:30.380
Lenore: object to that?

285
00:32:31.750 --> 00:32:39.600
Lenore: And then the last component is the same as the standard I statement. So we we then ask for the specific behavior that would help out meet our need.

286
00:32:39.890 --> 00:32:42.870
Lenore: So it might be

287
00:32:44.320 --> 00:32:50.709
Lenore:  When I share an idea with you. I'd like you to

288
00:32:51.150 --> 00:32:54.150
Lenore: at least acknowledge that I've

289
00:32:54.560 --> 00:32:57.829
Lenore: I've shared an idea with you. If not, talk about it

290
00:32:58.560 --> 00:33:01.839
Lenore: rather than just ignore what I said and change the topic.

291
00:33:02.210 --> 00:33:08.019
Lenore: So we we're really specific about what it is that we'd like

292
00:33:08.080 --> 00:33:12.270
Lenore: from our partner, or from our friend, or from whoever it is in future.

293
00:33:15.200 --> 00:33:16.360
Lenore: So

294
00:33:17.920 --> 00:33:29.599
Lenore: I'll give you a contrasting example. A non-envc example might sound something like this. I'm feeling really irked and unfairly treated by the way you assumed the worst in me.

295
00:33:29.720 --> 00:33:35.039
Lenore: and put words into my mouth, telling me I was accusing you of whatever it was.

296
00:33:38.020 --> 00:33:43.770
Lenore: All I did was come up with a suggestion, and you'd ask me to that you'd asked me to, and you turned on me

297
00:33:45.020 --> 00:33:53.279
Lenore: is all these assumptions and interpretations and accusations in the way that I've you know, presented that situation

298
00:33:53.760 --> 00:34:02.279
Lenore: so instead. What if we had, you know, when I think about how you represent, if I'm using exactly the same kind of situation when I think about how you replied.

299
00:34:02.990 --> 00:34:06.899
Lenore: frowning, and with a terse tone, asking me

300
00:34:07.480 --> 00:34:10.470
Lenore: if I was saying something that I wasn't saying.

301
00:34:11.280 --> 00:34:16.510
Lenore: I feel shocked, hurt, defensive, and disconnected from you.

302
00:34:17.340 --> 00:34:22.210
Lenore: I really value trust. honesty, awareness, and closeness with you.

303
00:34:22.620 --> 00:34:28.659
Lenore: and it'd be helpful to me if you're worried that I'm saying something critical. Just clarify it with me.

304
00:34:29.560 --> 00:34:33.259
Lenore: and if you can do that with a friendly tone that'd be really helpful.

305
00:34:35.620 --> 00:34:39.170
Lenore: So can you hear that? How that is non accusatory?

306
00:34:39.800 --> 00:34:51.880
Lenore: It's nonjudging. It's I'm not saying, you know, you're treating me unfairly, and I'm not accusing you of putting words in my mouth.  I'm not accusing you of turning on me.

307
00:34:52.380 --> 00:34:59.190
Lenore: I'm just saying this is what went on for me. And what would be really helpful. And because I had this need, and one of those needs is to be close with you.

308
00:35:00.860 --> 00:35:06.560
Lenore: Yeah. So it's inviting the other person to care for me rather than defend themselves.

309
00:35:08.810 --> 00:35:11.470
Lenore: and it assumes that the other person cares for me

310
00:35:11.960 --> 00:35:15.350
Lenore: rather than assuming that they don't, and that they're trying to hurt me.

311
00:35:16.600 --> 00:35:28.010
Lenore: It invites them to help, and triggers kindness and care. rather than inviting them to so defend themselves and trigger, either self-protection or counterattack or both.

312
00:35:30.760 --> 00:35:31.790
Lenore: So

313
00:35:33.210 --> 00:35:42.689
Lenore: what I'm gonna suggest is that you take identify a real conflict that you've had recently. And I just say recently, just

314
00:35:42.820 --> 00:35:50.539
Lenore: something that you can remember in quite good detail doesn't have to be a big one. It can just be. you know, a

315
00:35:52.320 --> 00:35:53.629
Lenore: 3 out of 10,

316
00:35:55.310 --> 00:35:58.670
Lenore: and we'll see if we can

317
00:35:58.680 --> 00:36:03.999
Lenore: use. I've got a couple of handouts here for you, one on clean feeling words

318
00:36:04.430 --> 00:36:06.209
Lenore: and one on

319
00:36:06.350 --> 00:36:08.080
Lenore: needs.

320
00:36:08.810 --> 00:36:22.729
Lenore: So for those of you who'd like to participate, you'll need bit of paper something to write with and if you can start by just jotting down a conflict that you'd like to use as a test case.

321
00:36:22.800 --> 00:36:25.260
Lenore: and I've got I'll hand out these

322
00:36:25.290 --> 00:36:29.620
Lenore: sheets that'll be help for you in the exercise. People at home.

323
00:36:30.460 --> 00:36:33.369
Lenore: Hopefully, you've already printed it out. I sent to you last night.

324
00:36:44.160 --> 00:36:48.280
Lenore: Yeah, thanks.

325
00:36:50.120 --> 00:36:55.480
Lenore: And you're gonna take one and then pass them on, and then I'll grab the needs list.

326
00:37:08.090 --> 00:37:10.369
Lenore: Yeah, you need one of those as well.

327
00:37:17.600 --> 00:37:24.060
Lenore:  yeah. Sure.

328
00:37:27.100 --> 00:37:34.570
Lenore: like, 2 people

329
00:37:34.710 --> 00:37:35.929
Lenore: question everything.

330
00:37:37.280 --> 00:37:45.349
Lenore:  it's a way of injecting some? Is it rationality, honesty, and care into it?

331
00:37:45.600 --> 00:37:49.099
Lenore: But what if the people are not on the same page?

332
00:37:49.780 --> 00:37:54.349
Lenore: One is of pushing on the constraint for city

333
00:37:54.480 --> 00:38:04.540
Lenore: way, and the other one is already. Yep. Good question and emotional one is a question.

334
00:38:04.970 --> 00:38:06.480
Lenore: Yep.

335
00:38:06.820 --> 00:38:12.220
Lenore: yeah, that's a good question. I'll answer that I'll just repeat the question so that others had

336
00:38:12.530 --> 00:38:17.300
Lenore: they're not just asked a really good question. So what if

337
00:38:17.450 --> 00:38:29.400
Lenore: one person is already, you know, really agitated and worked up and and emotional. You know. How do you approach it?

338
00:38:29.710 --> 00:38:31.929
Lenore: And

339
00:38:35.630 --> 00:38:51.330
Lenore: when when we're really agitated, when our arousal level is too high. We literally were useless at at being able to constructively deal with conflict. So in that situation, literally taking time out

340
00:38:52.610 --> 00:38:56.290
Lenore: literally saying, You know, should we come back to this in half an hour?

341
00:38:56.670 --> 00:39:06.820
Lenore: 20 min is, I think, about the amount of time that it requires for our physiology to  Come back down from over arousal

342
00:39:07.260 --> 00:39:11.719
Lenore: so literally just saying, you should we come back and talk about this in half an hour?

343
00:39:12.170 --> 00:39:12.960
Okay? Well.

344
00:39:16.960 --> 00:39:25.980
Lenore: if the other person. So the question was, what if the other person doesn't want to? We can't make people resolve a conflict with us.

345
00:39:26.580 --> 00:39:27.830
Lenore: So

346
00:39:28.530 --> 00:39:35.809
Lenore: you know, if they're not willing to do it, or they can't do it in the moment, and they're not willing to engage with you later on.

347
00:39:35.830 --> 00:39:37.389
Lenore: when they calm down.

348
00:39:38.890 --> 00:39:41.229
Lenore: That's that then becomes the issue.

349
00:39:42.270 --> 00:39:47.390
Lenore: you know, and you could use this kind of language to then speak up for that issue.

350
00:39:48.470 --> 00:39:58.680
Lenore:  when I think about the time I tried to talk to you about. You know. Blah blah blah incident or blah blah blah conflict

351
00:39:59.100 --> 00:40:00.240
Lenore: and

352
00:40:00.520 --> 00:40:04.150
Lenore:  and you got really upset, and I

353
00:40:04.360 --> 00:40:07.690
Lenore: asked if we could come back in a half an hour, and you said, No.

354
00:40:12.860 --> 00:40:13.660
Lenore: yep.

355
00:40:18.690 --> 00:40:22.649
Lenore: yep, yep. Then you walk away. I mean you can't force them.

356
00:40:23.330 --> 00:40:28.639
Lenore: You can't force somebody to deal constructively, constructively, with a conflict.

357
00:40:32.960 --> 00:40:46.750
Lenore: And so what I was just saying was, you know, you can then try and come back later and talk about the fact that they weren't willing to deal with it. That that can then be. The thing you need to talk about is, yeah, how do we deal with conflicts?

358
00:40:47.060 --> 00:40:50.499
Lenore: Because when I think about the last time we tried to do it.

359
00:40:51.510 --> 00:40:52.700
Lenore: and

360
00:40:54.040 --> 00:40:59.919
Lenore: I tried to get us to take time out, and you weren't willing to do that. And

361
00:41:01.470 --> 00:41:04.160
Lenore: so I'm feeling stuck

362
00:41:04.680 --> 00:41:05.910
Lenore: and

363
00:41:06.210 --> 00:41:08.740
Lenore: despondent and

364
00:41:09.250 --> 00:41:14.719
Lenore: confused because of my need for connection with you.

365
00:41:16.200 --> 00:41:20.629
Lenore: which I don't know how to do that. If if we're not, if we can't talk through this

366
00:41:21.280 --> 00:41:22.869
Lenore: this problem that we have.

367
00:41:22.990 --> 00:41:31.539
Lenore: So then the the issue would then become, how do we do conflict together like at a later point? Once I'd calm down.

368
00:41:31.700 --> 00:41:37.449
Lenore: But in that moment I don't think you can't. You know that we can't force people to deal with conflict

369
00:41:38.170 --> 00:41:42.569
Lenore: at all, let alone constructively. We can only

370
00:41:43.770 --> 00:41:46.560
Lenore: skill ourselves up as much as we can.

371
00:41:46.860 --> 00:41:51.979
Lenore: and approach the conflicts from our end

372
00:41:52.390 --> 00:41:54.770
Lenore: as helpfully as we can.

373
00:41:57.140 --> 00:41:57.990
Lenore: Yeah.

374
00:41:59.440 --> 00:42:07.349
Lenore: no, no, right. There's a few people online that were unclear on which attachment or didn't seem to receive the the handout.

375
00:42:07.450 --> 00:42:16.169
Lenore: So there's this, this, there's this different. It's called 5 page feelings and needs. But it's the only thing I sent them last night. Okay, so

376
00:42:16.830 --> 00:42:19.659
Lynda: you repeat the name of the email that you sent

377
00:42:19.760 --> 00:42:30.750
Lenore: it was document for my last session on Saturday night, or something like that, was the title of the email.

378
00:42:31.830 --> 00:42:32.500
Okay.

379
00:42:32.690 --> 00:42:43.779
Lenore: I think there's a number of people online that are coming back saying they didn't receive it. I'm wondering if you've got an electronic copy. I can quickly email out.

380
00:42:43.900 --> 00:42:50.069
Lenore: have they checked their emails? Yes. So this is what it looks like, the people online.

381
00:42:50.120 --> 00:42:52.000
Lynda: I don't know if they?

382
00:42:52.190 --> 00:43:08.299
Lenore: Hello! No, no, it's it's Linda. We II didn't receive that email and others online, apparently didn't either. II received no, that's what I sent the online people last night.

383
00:43:08.300 --> 00:43:22.799
Lenore: I didn't receive that. I received the one the elements of flowers. You've got the exactly same thing except you've got black and white, all shoved onto one page definitely hasn't been received. Oh, you haven't got oh, sorry!

384
00:43:22.800 --> 00:43:24.660
Lenore: That's good money with the problem.

385
00:43:25.480 --> 00:43:33.049
Lenore: It was gonna be a 200 page color dog print print job. I was like, I can't do this.

386
00:43:33.490 --> 00:43:43.360
Lenore: Okay, as you go. And do you mind just handing those around that is that one says needs you need it not needs, but not the other, but not the other one. You need one that says needs, and one that says feelings.

387
00:43:46.890 --> 00:43:51.450
Lenore: So that's the remaining feelings. Once

388
00:43:53.030 --> 00:44:06.540
Lenore:  thanks, a lot

389
00:44:06.660 --> 00:44:09.519
Lenore: have our online people found it.

390
00:44:11.550 --> 00:44:12.400
Lenore: okay.

391
00:44:25.590 --> 00:44:31.110
Lenore: okay, so identify as a situation a conflict you've had recently

392
00:44:31.210 --> 00:44:37.079
Lenore: that didn't go as well as you would have liked that. You think you know you'd like to read. Have? Have a do-over if you could.

393
00:44:38.000 --> 00:44:43.530
Lenore: preferably with someone, you have a relationship with a relationship that you'd like to continue.

394
00:44:51.180 --> 00:44:59.540
Lenore: So people in the room, you need 2 pieces of paper, one's double-sided and one's single-sided one's needs and one's feelings.

395
00:45:01.120 --> 00:45:01.870
Sure.

396
00:45:19.380 --> 00:45:20.300
Lenore: Okay.

397
00:45:21.940 --> 00:45:23.020
Lenore: so

398
00:45:23.660 --> 00:45:26.269
Lenore: let's get curious about this

399
00:45:26.360 --> 00:45:29.710
Lenore: situation. This interaction.

400
00:45:33.780 --> 00:45:35.870
Lenore: So let's start with the stimulus.

401
00:45:38.430 --> 00:45:40.709
Lenore: What was it you saw or heard.

402
00:45:42.240 --> 00:45:44.160
Lenore: or imagined or remembered.

403
00:45:45.490 --> 00:45:47.939
Lenore: that triggered the difficult feelings for you?

404
00:45:53.100 --> 00:45:58.289
Lenore: Was it something someone said or didn't say something they did or didn't do.

405
00:46:00.040 --> 00:46:01.909
Lenore: you know, might have been tone.

406
00:46:02.560 --> 00:46:06.519
Lenore: It might have been body language. It might have been something they said.

407
00:46:07.100 --> 00:46:08.460
Lenore: something you

408
00:46:10.140 --> 00:46:13.659
Lenore: thought they should were going to say, but didn't.

409
00:46:14.020 --> 00:46:27.359
Lenore: What were the actual, the actual tricia for the difficult feelings. As you think about this, try and avoid what I call invisibles. So they're things the other person thought.

410
00:46:28.070 --> 00:46:30.710
Lenore: felt. intended.

411
00:46:32.320 --> 00:46:40.680
Lenore: Anything that requires reading the other person's mind, or knowing what the other person's feeling. or one team.

412
00:46:41.500 --> 00:46:47.700
Lenore: So for this part of it. Just stick to what was said or what was done. You know. What did you see? What did you hear?

413
00:46:48.610 --> 00:46:51.139
Lenore: But stimulated the difficult feelings for you.

414
00:46:53.780 --> 00:46:56.620
Lenore: What did you observe? Or here?

415
00:47:45.090 --> 00:47:52.359
Lenore: Okay, so now let's identify the feelings that arise for you when you remember those actions or words.

416
00:47:54.300 --> 00:48:02.889
Lenore: So the handout I've given you with the double-sided one here or at home. You've got a couple of pages with feelings.

417
00:48:03.650 --> 00:48:04.810
Lenore: and

418
00:48:07.540 --> 00:48:10.549
Lenore: there are 2 types unpleasant and pleasant.

419
00:48:10.730 --> 00:48:21.089
Lenore: So the unpleasant feelings are associated with unmet needs, and the pleasant feelings are associated with met needs. So because we're talking about a conflict, it's good chance it's going to be on the unpleasant side.

420
00:48:21.800 --> 00:48:25.069
Lenore: So see if you can identify. Have a go yourself first.

421
00:48:25.680 --> 00:48:28.729
Lenore: but then have a look on this page.

422
00:48:29.100 --> 00:48:31.260
Lenore: and see if you can

423
00:48:31.550 --> 00:48:34.959
Lenore: identify the feelings that arose for you.

424
00:48:37.150 --> 00:48:39.209
Lenore: If you're not sure it's clean.

425
00:48:39.270 --> 00:48:46.150
Lenore: if you think, or if if it's if it's not on the list here.  you know, feel free to check

426
00:48:47.990 --> 00:48:52.869
Lenore: with me, or we can share it with the group of is this a clean

427
00:48:53.410 --> 00:48:54.270
Lenore: feeling

428
00:49:07.200 --> 00:49:16.010
Lenore: when it's a hard conflict. My husband and I literally get out these sheets. and we sit down and we take the time.

429
00:49:16.570 --> 00:49:19.449
Lenore: and we prepare what we're going to say.

430
00:49:20.840 --> 00:49:21.780
Lenore: It's worth it.

431
00:50:00.490 --> 00:50:01.170
But

432
00:50:02.140 --> 00:50:04.230
Lenore: yes, I think that's a whole.

433
00:50:04.720 --> 00:50:07.919
Lenore: Isn't that a I think it's on there. Yep.

434
00:50:08.760 --> 00:50:10.709
Lenore: but hurt is definitely a feeling.

435
00:50:12.130 --> 00:50:13.060
Lenore: Yet

436
00:50:13.680 --> 00:50:14.730
what is it the next

437
00:50:15.130 --> 00:50:18.920
Lenore: but hurts feeling hurts a feeling. Yep.

438
00:50:20.210 --> 00:50:22.109
Lenore: and get this quiet.

439
00:50:27.910 --> 00:50:30.110
Lenore: She's not on there.

440
00:50:30.830 --> 00:50:31.930
Thank you.

441
00:50:32.730 --> 00:50:34.410
Lenore: Hurts definitely a feeling

442
00:50:40.620 --> 00:50:42.940
Lenore: hope I didn't accidentally leave any off.

443
00:50:44.220 --> 00:50:45.669
Lenore: Have a look at the

444
00:50:50.390 --> 00:50:51.370
Lenore: original.

445
00:51:03.940 --> 00:51:07.290
It's on the original. Don't tell me I've left it off here.

446
00:51:40.260 --> 00:51:44.149
Lenore: I I will. Actually, what I'll do is I'll send all of you

447
00:51:45.180 --> 00:51:51.550
Lenore: because I've sent these to the online people already. But I'll send the original one to all of you tonight so that you've got the full thing.

448
00:51:52.430 --> 00:51:54.580
Lenore: Did anyone need? Need any

449
00:51:55.630 --> 00:51:57.629
Lenore: alleged feelings checked?

450
00:52:04.070 --> 00:52:10.030
Lenore: Okay? So as we do this, start to construct a

451
00:52:10.390 --> 00:52:16.040
Lenore: an imagined statement that you might make if you were to redo this conflict.

452
00:52:17.170 --> 00:52:18.229
Lenore: Yeah, okay.

453
00:52:20.630 --> 00:52:23.550
Lenore: is feeling small.

454
00:52:23.720 --> 00:52:25.480
Lenore: feeling small.

455
00:52:30.770 --> 00:52:33.060
Lenore: feeling small.

456
00:52:38.450 --> 00:52:45.750
Lenore: Well, for me. Personally, I wouldn't feel that was an accusation if someone said. I feel small.

457
00:52:46.260 --> 00:52:47.440
this people

458
00:52:51.500 --> 00:52:55.480
Lenore: small. That's a good question.

459
00:52:56.050 --> 00:53:01.740
Lenore: No? Well.

460
00:53:01.810 --> 00:53:03.609
Lenore: I mean, I say

461
00:53:04.880 --> 00:53:07.190
Lenore: this smaller feeling

462
00:53:07.480 --> 00:53:08.150
that is

463
00:53:08.830 --> 00:53:11.960
Lenore: diminished as a little bit of an interpretation, isn't it?

464
00:53:12.910 --> 00:53:24.210
Lenore: Yeah, it's not. Yeah. Is it a feeling, though? That's a really good question to feel small.

465
00:53:24.430 --> 00:53:29.090
Lenore:  yeah.

466
00:53:29.960 --> 00:53:34.380
Lenore: Oh, but then that could that could be an accusation, couldn't it? You're diminishing me

467
00:53:36.320 --> 00:53:39.099
Lenore: say, feeling of being

468
00:53:39.250 --> 00:53:41.000
feeling, of being.

469
00:53:41.100 --> 00:53:45.349
Lenore: but is smaller feeling. That's a really good question

470
00:53:46.340 --> 00:53:48.190
Lenore: is being smaller feeling

471
00:53:48.220 --> 00:53:49.309
you can feel.

472
00:53:50.590 --> 00:53:51.559
Lenore: can you?

473
00:53:53.020 --> 00:53:55.510
Lenore: I didn't know that small is a feeling

474
00:53:56.630 --> 00:53:58.800
saying, I feel like thanks.

475
00:53:59.360 --> 00:54:05.680
Lenore: So what does a lost little child feel like? Forlorn. vulnerable?

476
00:54:06.960 --> 00:54:11.079
Lenore: What was that, John? No abandon to action?

477
00:54:11.980 --> 00:54:22.180
Lenore: Second pardon. chagrind. that's not really so. I think that's a bit different.

478
00:54:22.790 --> 00:54:25.599
Lenore: Speak powerless. Yeah. Powerless.

479
00:54:26.970 --> 00:54:34.609
Lenore:  can you riff on that, Kate? Like, are there? What other? What else goes along with Small, do you?

480
00:54:35.400 --> 00:54:37.290
Lenore: Can you say more about the feeling

481
00:54:47.070 --> 00:54:55.980
Lenore: we're talking about? Is is smaller feeling? And Lenore asked, if I'm if I can, I expand on it, and I

482
00:54:56.110 --> 00:54:58.889
Lenore: think I feel it a lot. And

483
00:54:58.930 --> 00:55:04.029
Lenore: it's since I've been exploring

484
00:55:04.790 --> 00:55:12.170
Lenore: self-compassion. and I realize that a lot of the time. And

485
00:55:12.840 --> 00:55:13.640
what?

486
00:55:15.630 --> 00:55:20.510
Lenore: The I, when I'm feeling and

487
00:55:20.910 --> 00:55:26.540
Lenore: hurt, confused a lot of these these very helpful and

488
00:55:26.760 --> 00:55:34.469
Lenore: feelings that you've got on the list that underneath. That is a little child who is looking for.

489
00:55:34.530 --> 00:55:38.130
Lenore: and approval, reassurance

490
00:55:38.330 --> 00:55:43.299
Lenore: belonging. A whole lot of things go into the bundle of feeling

491
00:55:43.850 --> 00:55:45.039
Lenore: like a little

492
00:55:45.560 --> 00:55:52.759
Lenore: little child. The little part of me is prominent at the moment

493
00:55:52.980 --> 00:55:55.480
Lenore: from your Friday

494
00:55:55.920 --> 00:55:57.290
Lenore: restaurant. And

495
00:55:58.310 --> 00:56:00.769
Lenore: Hi, John here.

496
00:56:03.300 --> 00:56:04.260
won't you?

497
00:56:07.320 --> 00:56:19.999
Lenore: That's standard panelists. all those things. Yes. So I suppose my short, my shorthand for that is feeling little.

498
00:56:20.210 --> 00:56:22.659
Lenore: Yeah, and it's not. It's

499
00:56:23.300 --> 00:56:35.459
Lenore: we'll try it out on each other in a minute when we finish creating this statement. Thank you. We'll have a go. And the main. The main thing is that it doesn't put the other person on a defensive.

500
00:56:35.580 --> 00:56:38.320
Lenore: and and it communicates, you know, clearly.

501
00:56:39.660 --> 00:56:41.380
So yeah, we'll try it out.

502
00:56:41.930 --> 00:56:53.429
Lenore: I'm just wondering whether you can have a combination, maybe insecure and confuse. Yep, you can have definitely more than one thing to try and have more than one word to show you feeling

503
00:56:53.840 --> 00:56:58.430
Lenore: definitely. In fact, it's really frequent that we feel more than one thing.

504
00:56:58.670 --> 00:57:14.080
Lenore: Can you just go through like how we put together a little playbook again? Yep, so we'll yep. We're doing it step by step at the moment. So you've got your stimulus. You know what it was that I remember that happened or didn't happen.

505
00:57:14.130 --> 00:57:19.359
Lenore: I felt, and where we're identifying the feelings now,

506
00:57:19.460 --> 00:57:25.000
Lenore: and so we're just going to get the the data for each section, and then we'll put it all together.

507
00:57:26.760 --> 00:57:31.380
Lenore:  okay. So

508
00:57:32.990 --> 00:57:36.369
Lenore: the next. The next part of it is

509
00:57:36.420 --> 00:57:39.960
Lenore: the need that I am trying to fill here.

510
00:57:40.370 --> 00:57:48.419
Lenore: So this is where your other piece of paper, or those with the one at home. It's the second part of your handout. It's after the needs.

511
00:57:59.090 --> 00:58:01.170
Lenore: Oh, you've sent them this black and white one.

512
00:58:01.630 --> 00:58:02.609
that part.

513
00:58:04.310 --> 00:58:13.129
Lenore: Oh, okay, okay. So there is a single black and white page. That is called

514
00:58:14.990 --> 00:58:19.650
Lenore: needs inventory. Title is needs inventory.

515
00:58:21.150 --> 00:58:28.870
Lenore: And this gives us a list of needs. So when you think about this situation, and you think about the feelings that arose.

516
00:58:30.800 --> 00:58:37.419
Lenore: What was the need that was being thwarted, or that was smarting

517
00:58:39.520 --> 00:58:41.630
Lenore: when this situation occurred.

518
00:59:07.770 --> 00:59:11.410
Lenore: What need was at risk? What need felt like it was at risk.

519
01:00:09.310 --> 01:00:19.170
Lenore: And then the last section is. what would you have liked in that situation? So if you could have the situation over again?

520
01:00:19.720 --> 01:00:24.419
Lenore: What is it that you would like instead of what you got

521
01:00:25.260 --> 01:00:26.390
Lenore: from that person.

522
01:00:53.710 --> 01:00:56.460
Lenore: I wonder if the people at home can hear the rain?

523
01:00:59.190 --> 01:01:05.909
Lenore: We've had a 40 degree day here. online, friends. and now it's storming and raining.

524
01:01:12.080 --> 01:01:17.070
Lenore: What's that? Oh, is it raining?

525
01:01:19.810 --> 01:01:20.920
Lenore: Yeah.

526
01:01:21.940 --> 01:01:23.349
Lenore: 28 plus.

527
01:01:24.410 --> 01:01:25.720
Lenore: But

528
01:01:27.850 --> 01:01:41.070
Lenore: thanks. I'm a bit. I'm not quite sure what I would apply. Is that not? Hmm! Oh, sorry! A bit confusing.

529
01:01:41.190 --> 01:01:46.050
Lenore: What I would like is that not needs, or what behaviour would you like

530
01:01:46.100 --> 01:01:57.049
Lenore: so in future? So you know what I didn't like was that I made a suggestion, and he ignored it and changed the topic. What I would like would be to at least acknowledge that I've

531
01:01:57.090 --> 01:02:01.530
Lenore: shared an idea. Okay, thanks. Yeah. So the behavior.

532
01:02:57.660 --> 01:03:07.920
Lenore: So there are 4 elements essentially to our statement. What? What? I so saw heard the feelings that arose, the needs that were being yeah, that were smarting

533
01:03:08.420 --> 01:03:19.859
Lenore: or not being met. And what I'd like. So now see if you can massage that. What you've got. You've got those 4 elements there. See if you can massage that into a statement.

534
01:03:20.760 --> 01:03:25.569
Lenore:  and because it's something that you're remembering.

535
01:03:27.350 --> 01:03:34.869
Lenore: then we want to keep it as in the moment as we can. So you would want to start with when I remember, or when I think about

536
01:03:35.260 --> 01:03:38.530
Lenore: X, y's the the behavior of a stimulus

537
01:03:39.220 --> 01:03:40.520
Lenore: I feel.

538
01:03:40.550 --> 01:03:43.789
Lenore: and then you insert the feelings you've identified

539
01:03:44.470 --> 01:03:49.459
Lenore: because of my needs for. or because I really value.

540
01:03:50.500 --> 01:04:02.849
Lenore: which have A, or you might have some other words that can communicate, that this is to do with needs or things that I really value. Insert your needs that you've identified.

541
01:04:02.970 --> 01:04:04.030
Lenore: and then

542
01:04:04.340 --> 01:04:07.769
Lenore: and these are my words, but feel free to muck around with them yourself.

543
01:04:08.130 --> 01:04:13.449
Lenore: What I'd like in future is, or what had really helped me

544
01:04:13.530 --> 01:04:16.210
Lenore: next time this happens is.

545
01:04:19.910 --> 01:04:22.220
Lenore: or I'd really appreciate it. If

546
01:04:29.050 --> 01:04:31.639
Lenore: so, feel free to make that yours

547
01:04:32.000 --> 01:04:38.169
Lenore: and then you'll ask for the kind of behavior that you would like to get next time

548
01:04:42.860 --> 01:04:45.420
Lenore: and make sure that behavior is specific enough.

549
01:04:46.050 --> 01:04:49.250
Lenore: that it's really clear what it is you're asking for.

550
01:05:31.640 --> 01:05:32.680
Lenore: Bernah

551
01:05:33.170 --> 01:05:36.709
Lenore: Bernard, was I clear enough in my answer to you?

552
01:05:37.190 --> 01:05:45.170
Lenore: But there's nothing you can probably do in the moment. But then to come back to it later. And the issue is then how we deal with conflict

553
01:05:45.460 --> 01:05:48.210
Lenore: is in the issue that we need to talk about. Yeah.

554
01:05:49.440 --> 01:05:54.290
Lenore: 2 months in that situation.

555
01:05:54.560 --> 01:06:03.430
Lenore: could you not in that situation start by acknowledging the person's feeling, which is the active ingredient in the conflicting situation?

556
01:06:03.760 --> 01:06:13.469
Lenore: In the moment? Do you mean in in the moment when they're feeling steamed up, and perhaps deal with that because you see them and they are angry. They are hurt.

557
01:06:13.500 --> 01:06:20.670
Lenore: so you might help them deal with their anger and hurt, and then find yourself able to move on to the underlying conflict

558
01:06:22.070 --> 01:06:29.880
Lenore: in in a situation. Yes, I think, acknowledging you, I can see you really upset. Why don't we leave it for now.

559
01:06:30.320 --> 01:06:39.229
Lenore: or can we come back to it in 20 min? Although just the first sentence might actually lead you into the start of amending process. I can see you're really upset.

560
01:06:39.440 --> 01:06:50.550
Lenore: Yes, I am really absolutely because but but but so you're starting essentially with a focus on their feeling and need rather than yours. but with an intention of

561
01:06:50.610 --> 01:06:56.560
Lenore: it, may do. I'm assuming from what they're not said the other person is is not amenable to

562
01:06:56.760 --> 01:07:07.880
Lenore: nodding. So yeah, I mean, it depends on the situation. But the person is not

563
01:07:08.410 --> 01:07:16.510
Lenore: capable. And remember, we're talking about a situation where we've raised an issue. So it's my issue. And I'm wanting to talk about it. And the other person's just gone off.

564
01:07:17.080 --> 01:07:19.020
Lenore: So

565
01:07:20.420 --> 01:07:29.309
Lenore: yeah, acknowledging the feeling is probably all you can do and suggest coming back to it if they're not open to coming back to it. Then.

566
01:07:30.170 --> 01:07:34.709
Lenore: as I say, then the issue becomes something different. It becomes, how do we, as a couple deal with conflict?

567
01:07:39.300 --> 01:07:45.100
Lenore: So does any any other questions about the process, or what you've written down, or

568
01:07:45.960 --> 01:07:48.240
Lenore: words that you've chosen. Yeah, James.

569
01:07:50.710 --> 01:07:51.500
sorry.

570
01:07:55.440 --> 01:08:04.169
Lenore: I think it's around Gallon's Point. The conflict I've been describing is one where someone I was attacked

571
01:08:04.190 --> 01:08:08.500
Lenore: and they were really upset. Can we saying We can work with that? Or

572
01:08:09.720 --> 01:08:14.290
Lenore: is that feasible? So is the conversation.

573
01:08:14.620 --> 01:08:28.890
Lenore: them raising an issue with you? Or is it you? Yeah, raising an issue with them, raising issue with me? Okay, so this process is for you raising an issue with someone else. Yeah. So there's probably work it in there. I think.

574
01:08:29.750 --> 01:08:46.099
Lenore: Yeah, it's it's a little bit different. If somebody's raising an issue with you, and they're raising it in a really unhelpful way. Yeah.  I mean our job when someone comes, you know, to us with an issue is to try and listen and try and understand

575
01:08:46.319 --> 01:09:06.319
Lenore: if we're finding, we just can't, because it's so unconstructive and so reactive, or maybe even aggressive. Or what have you again. Taking time out can be a really good, you know. I want to hear what you have to say. But I'm feeling threatened. Yeah, and shocked

576
01:09:06.910 --> 01:09:09.089
Lenore: and defensive. Yes.

577
01:09:09.340 --> 01:09:11.010
Lenore: Can we come back to it

578
01:09:11.189 --> 01:09:13.450
Lenore: when we come? Yeah, yeah.

579
01:09:17.720 --> 01:09:20.890
Lenore: man, this rain is getting loud.

580
01:09:27.050 --> 01:09:31.610
Lenore: Any other, any any anyone else have some other questions.

581
01:09:37.300 --> 01:09:40.420
Lenore: Linda, Linda, Linda online has a question.

582
01:09:41.310 --> 01:09:43.739
Lenore: You're gonna have to speak loudly because we've got

583
01:09:43.779 --> 01:09:46.339
Lenore: really heavy rain in here at the moment.

584
01:09:46.470 --> 01:09:48.750
Lynda: Yeah, okay, can. Can you hear me?

585
01:09:49.020 --> 01:09:53.640
Lynda: Is that okay? Yep, that's good. Okay. So

586
01:09:54.000 --> 01:10:12.079
Lynda: quite. Some time ago, now, I with a dam a friend started to work with. some of the principles of insight. Dialogue is set up by Orange. What's his name? Orange? So far? And

587
01:10:12.260 --> 01:10:16.130
Lynda: I really struggled with reconstructing

588
01:10:16.160 --> 01:10:25.950
Lynda: the language used when communicating issues in a situation of possible conflict.

589
01:10:26.250 --> 01:10:27.360
Lynda: And just

590
01:10:27.410 --> 01:10:30.079
and as an example

591
01:10:30.140 --> 01:10:36.790
Lynda: the words, for instance. I feel defensive.

592
01:10:36.830 --> 01:10:42.360
Lynda: To me implies that the other person has somehow attacked.

593
01:10:42.550 --> 01:10:45.030
Lynda: Yeah. So

594
01:10:45.520 --> 01:10:53.570
Lynda: I just find the choice of words in the more nonviolent list.

595
01:10:53.640 --> 01:10:56.190
Can still imply

596
01:10:56.270 --> 01:11:02.870
Lynda: or have a a negative implication for the other person. And

597
01:11:02.910 --> 01:11:11.710
Lynda: II get lost in the the subtleties of the word choices to be honest. Yeah. Comment on that.

598
01:11:11.930 --> 01:11:19.960
Lenore: Yeah, I can it, especially when you're starting out trying to use this, it can feel really clunky.

599
01:11:20.410 --> 01:11:28.610
Lenore: Yes, you can. You can have these kind of get. Tie yourself in knots about. Is this the right one? Or is this a feeling, or is this

600
01:11:28.690 --> 01:11:34.310
Lenore:  Is this implying an accusation? Or what have you?

601
01:11:34.360 --> 01:11:47.750
Lenore:  My my kind of approach to is, if I can think of a better one. I'll spend the time and try and think of a better one. That doesn't have any danger attached to it of being because I mean defensive.

602
01:11:47.930 --> 01:11:54.029
Lenore: All it says is, I'm perceiving attack, I guess, but it's saying that the feeling is I'm I'm defending

603
01:11:54.310 --> 01:11:56.410
Lenore:  But

604
01:11:56.560 --> 01:12:00.070
Lenore: if you can find a better one if you can find one that doesn't imply

605
01:12:00.220 --> 01:12:02.630
Lenore: anything from anyone. Go with it.

606
01:12:03.310 --> 01:12:07.089
Lynda:  yeah. The the thing. So you've got a

607
01:12:07.230 --> 01:12:09.009
Lenore: communicate how you feel

608
01:12:09.150 --> 01:12:22.730
Lenore: so that's why I say, we literally sit down with the list, and we'll sometimes say, Well, why don't we take 10 min and think about what we want to say, and we'll go and we'll sit literally down with our feelings and needs lists, and

609
01:12:22.980 --> 01:12:25.069
Lenore: and plan what what we want to say.

610
01:12:25.160 --> 01:12:26.460
Lynda: Hmm, hmm, hmm!

611
01:12:27.280 --> 01:12:30.800
Lenore: And it can feel, you know. very unnatural.

612
01:12:31.730 --> 01:12:34.080
Lenore: But I tell you it

613
01:12:34.760 --> 01:12:41.119
Lenore: it can a save you several hours. A lot of angst.

614
01:12:41.720 --> 01:12:44.440
Lenore: and be really good for your relationship.

615
01:12:45.860 --> 01:12:54.589
Lynda: So can I just add something else? Then? Sorry. Sorry. Is, is that

616
01:12:55.390 --> 01:13:00.350
Lynda: okay? Is that okay? Can you use the company, you know.

617
01:13:00.720 --> 01:13:06.869
Lynda: Oh, there we are. Okay. Alright. So

618
01:13:07.520 --> 01:13:13.830
Lynda: The other aspect of this style of communication.

619
01:13:14.010 --> 01:13:38.150
Lynda: which I would like to master, but have never really been successful at it implies to me also that it's most useful in a relationship of some intimacy of some degree, whether it be with a close friend or an intimate partner, or you know a a trusted colleague, for instance.

620
01:13:38.370 --> 01:13:45.819
Lynda: In circumstances where conflict can arise, whether it be the workplace or in social situations.

621
01:13:46.330 --> 01:14:06.699
Lynda: The other person, is not necessarily engaged in this commitment to nonviolent language. So yeah, I'm I'm sort of wondering as to the value of its wider application, if, indeed, it's possible. Yeah, really good point. I use an abridged version.

622
01:14:06.770 --> 01:14:18.320
Lenore: I wouldn't. I'd skip the needs thing if I was talking to someone who quite possibly doesn't care about my needs. I just wouldn't even bother with it. Yeah.

623
01:14:18.520 --> 01:14:27.000
Lenore: Nevertheless, no matter what the situation. If you can build a habit of using clean language for your feelings when you express them.

624
01:14:27.280 --> 01:14:30.210
Lenore: it will help. Yeah.

625
01:14:30.980 --> 01:14:33.359
Lynda: okay, thank you. You're welcome

626
01:14:34.950 --> 01:14:42.900
Lenore: any other help before. What I'm going to suggest we do is as our last little activity. Just hop into pairs and try it out on each other

627
01:14:43.360 --> 01:14:44.320
Lenore: as if

628
01:14:44.700 --> 01:14:48.069
Lenore: the other person is the person you're saying it to

629
01:14:48.210 --> 01:14:57.259
Lenore: see how it lands. Does the other person think that the the feelings. Words you chose were easy to listen to, or is there a better one.

630
01:14:57.410 --> 01:15:00.790
Lenore: and and help each other? Refine it if you need to.

631
01:15:01.630 --> 01:15:04.810
Lenore: and then we'll just see how that. how that went.

632
01:15:06.710 --> 01:15:09.239
Lenore: So is there a question yeah.

633
01:15:13.540 --> 01:15:21.600
Lenore: just to clarify? We don't expect the other person to respond. No, they're just listening and thinking. Okay, if I was.

634
01:15:21.620 --> 01:15:24.000
Lenore: if I was, the person receiving this

635
01:15:24.250 --> 01:15:30.930
Lenore: did did was, did the language feel clean, or did I? Was there something in there that kind of got my heckles up. Or.

636
01:15:30.990 --> 01:15:42.029
Lenore: yeah, which may or may not be realistic. Given. They're not the person that you're talking to. Yeah, maybe just a side question. So I tried a similar technique in a work setting and

637
01:15:42.960 --> 01:15:57.730
Lenore: in the lot of situations, the other person starts to divert and saying I was stressed because of that and that and that, and just kind of taking away from the actual matter that we're discussing here

638
01:15:58.120 --> 01:16:01.079
Lenore: any suggestions how to bring it back to.

639
01:16:01.890 --> 01:16:26.069
Lenore: This is what I feel, and this is what I'd like you to do next time, and people just saying, but because you know what happened that 15 min before we spoke, and that that's why I was like that. Yep, so if I can answer just as an example of the cuff. If that happened to me, and I felt well, they weren't really acknowledging what it was I was trying to communicate. I might, I might say something like, Okay, yep, I understand.

640
01:16:26.340 --> 01:16:28.770
Lenore: The point I'm trying to get across to you is

641
01:16:29.250 --> 01:16:33.079
Lenore: when da da da, I feel black.

642
01:16:33.670 --> 01:16:40.249
Lenore: and it'd be really helpful. I just I just bring them back to it. Reiterated, thank you. Yeah.

643
01:16:41.850 --> 01:16:45.630
Hall (Host-Alan): Okay. People people at home.

644
01:16:46.100 --> 01:16:56.700
Lenore: Thanks. So are we describing the whole scene to to the other person.

645
01:16:57.050 --> 01:17:01.940
Lenore: Sorry? Right? Okay.

646
01:17:02.920 --> 01:17:05.749
Lenore: yeah. But you don't set the scene for them.

647
01:17:06.420 --> 01:17:12.380
Lenore: It's insights that anyone want to end up tweaking any of their statements. Did it? Yeah.

648
01:17:13.720 --> 01:17:17.319
Lenore:  thoughts about the process?

649
01:17:18.190 --> 01:17:20.089
Lenore: Yeah. James, yeah.

650
01:17:23.780 --> 01:17:27.500
Lenore: A. One thought was, Yeah.

651
01:17:28.070 --> 01:17:48.040
Lenore: you know, I was talking about incident with my sister-in-law classic. But but there's all that you you don't just land these situations out of nowhere. You know. There's all this back story and it's not always about the thing. I guess that was an observation, and I must add to that.

652
01:17:48.520 --> 01:17:51.299
Lenore: So say a bit more about it's not always about the thing

653
01:17:51.320 --> 01:18:05.279
Lenore: this is a pretty fun, pretty ridiculous story! But I'd left a wet towel on the floor, and it turned into what was now called, tell gate but

654
01:18:05.980 --> 01:18:15.310
Lenore: But I was really triggered by, and it was. I was accused of leaving this wet tail on the floor, and was leaving, and in a hurry to go somewhere with a big group, and I was driving

655
01:18:15.440 --> 01:18:21.109
Lenore: of. But it wasn't about the towel. That's what we were saying. It wasn't about the towel. Yeah.

656
01:18:21.600 --> 01:18:28.979
Lenore:  and I, yeah, I guess when I think about that, I think like

657
01:18:29.340 --> 01:18:31.329
Lenore: it's it's

658
01:18:32.950 --> 01:18:37.239
Lenore: it's probably about having several of these discussions, you know, like not just

659
01:18:38.130 --> 01:18:45.229
Lenore: falling. And there are all patterns of like. you know that I have with my sister-in-law. So you know.

660
01:18:46.310 --> 01:18:49.920
Lenore: So yeah, it's revealing. Did the process?

661
01:18:50.090 --> 01:19:05.859
Lenore: was it the process that revealed? It's not about the thing, it's about something else. The process of actually going through and going. Okay, what were the feelings reveal that? I think I knew I didn't know that already. Okay, I've got, you know, confirmation of that from my partner.

662
01:19:05.990 --> 01:19:10.789
Lenore:  or at least anything, since you guys as well

663
01:19:10.930 --> 01:19:14.339
Lenore:  think they they

664
01:19:14.590 --> 01:19:16.250
Lenore: process was quite

665
01:19:16.410 --> 01:19:23.709
Lenore: good. It felt very theoretical. I would. It would almost yeah, definitely not play out like that in real life.

666
01:19:25.170 --> 01:19:29.820
Lenore:  yeah.

667
01:19:33.850 --> 01:19:39.490
Lenore: sorry. It's John on the other half of the discussion. think the

668
01:19:40.860 --> 01:19:57.049
Lenore: The other insight we had was this point, that comes out out of meditation as well. The is recognizing the opportunity of that gap between stimulus and response.

669
01:19:57.550 --> 01:19:58.800
Lenore: And just

670
01:19:58.910 --> 01:20:09.909
Lenore:  when we catch the feeling straight away. When we someone is just put something on you that's out of the blue. And you think you know, wtf, where did this come from, you know.

671
01:20:10.140 --> 01:20:14.719
Lenore: and you're holding that to yourself if you can actually just momentarily pause.

672
01:20:15.780 --> 01:20:19.490
Lenore: we thought that that actually at least seems and

673
01:20:19.500 --> 01:20:23.369
Lenore: an acknowledgement to the other person that you've been heard.

674
01:20:23.750 --> 01:20:25.930
Lenore: and then you've got

675
01:20:26.030 --> 01:20:31.239
Lenore: choose. I can't talk about this at the moment, or start the dialogue.

676
01:20:32.110 --> 01:20:52.240
Lenore:  But we I think it's fair to say, James, we thought that if we put this into the work situation it can be very appear very contrived, and there's often other perceptive overlays in there, like if it's the team leader is having a conversation with someone who's

677
01:20:52.570 --> 01:20:55.390
Lenore: subordinate.

678
01:20:55.530 --> 01:20:58.519
Lenore: then you're already in a

679
01:20:58.690 --> 01:21:01.989
Lenore: a power power dynamic.

680
01:21:02.240 --> 01:21:06.310
perceived or real, when things can sort of go sour.

681
01:21:06.480 --> 01:21:17.990
Lenore:  which is what leads me. And we didn't discuss this last bit to think about. This is really about importance of

682
01:21:18.400 --> 01:21:28.830
Lenore: working hard on trust and making yourself trust ourselves trustworthy with other people, and also being very clear about

683
01:21:28.840 --> 01:21:31.370
Lenore: other people when they are trustworthy

684
01:21:31.720 --> 01:21:40.740
Lenore: and growing those relationships and and upstream, doing things like in an intimate situation, and that you really care about

685
01:21:41.080 --> 01:21:50.949
Lenore: of doing other things that will actually be preventive of things coming up. And, you know, blowing up or getting out of control.

686
01:21:51.080 --> 01:22:02.309
Lenore:  and I can just use one example. About that, I'm sure Meredith won't mind. But we in our marriage we have this thing called we're weekly check-in.

687
01:22:02.560 --> 01:22:03.960
Lenore: and

688
01:22:04.720 --> 01:22:11.470
Lenore: it's generally like a cup of coffee on Sunday morning and sit down, and we take it in turns.

689
01:22:11.510 --> 01:22:16.530
Lenore: And one person speaks without being interrupted for 10 min. Just

690
01:22:17.080 --> 01:22:20.129
Lenore: yeah. It's very hot.

691
01:22:20.210 --> 01:22:24.570
Lenore: And and the

692
01:22:24.950 --> 01:22:31.599
Lenore: thanks, guys. And it's about listening attentively

693
01:22:31.840 --> 01:22:40.210
Lenore: to the other person's what they're saying. Their feelings, their demeanours, and how they are. And the only question that

694
01:22:40.310 --> 01:22:52.580
Lenore: get said at the end of the 10 min is anything to clarify? Or did I understand that you feeling upset about such as it might not be to do with me, it might be to do with work or something else.

695
01:22:52.780 --> 01:22:56.490
Lenore: And then What could I do

696
01:22:56.800 --> 01:22:59.980
Lenore: this week, or now that might help you

697
01:23:00.840 --> 01:23:03.960
Lenore: and name waste? Swap turns

698
01:23:04.000 --> 01:23:28.140
Lenore: well the other way around. So I guess what I'm trying to say by sharing that is that if you can think about the taking the opportunities to proactively keep on building the trust and building on it. That becomes a bit preventative and actually gives you a depth. And you build up a fair amount of forgiveness factor.

699
01:23:28.290 --> 01:23:29.600
Lenore: Absolutely.

700
01:23:30.760 --> 01:23:32.499
Lenore: Yeah. I mean, obviously.

701
01:23:33.280 --> 01:23:47.430
Lenore: the the goodwill. And the trust that we build up in a relationship over time makes any of these processes go much smoother and allows for more mistakes. And assuming the best. And yeah, being able to bounce back. And

702
01:23:47.660 --> 01:23:56.930
Lenore: yeah, yeah, because I think the underlying thing, even in the work situation, is to try and get across the genuineness of

703
01:23:57.400 --> 01:24:09.190
Lenore: you're I don't think you're not an okay person. It's just that this behavior in this circumstance caused me some distress or concern, or where it was. And then the playbook comes in.

704
01:24:09.490 --> 01:24:16.730
Lenore: Yeah, how was it for you? Yeah. Were you were you saying before in when you're talking about the work situation

705
01:24:16.960 --> 01:24:33.579
Lenore: and the power dynamic that you think. Are you suggesting that you think it mightn't be usable in that situation this kind of process? No, I'm not. I'm not suggesting that it wouldn't be usable, but I think it sort of be because of power or other dynamics

706
01:24:33.900 --> 01:24:39.730
Lenore: you've got to get. You've you've got to have some level of trustworthiness and trust build up.

707
01:24:39.830 --> 01:24:55.029
Lenore: even at a basic level, to be, have the sort of granularity of specific feelings. And what I need, etc. Yeah, so it I can know. And I've used it a lot over the years.

708
01:24:55.180 --> 01:24:56.470
Lenore: Something similar

709
01:24:56.550 --> 01:25:06.190
Lenore: that in work situations are gonna be very, very helpful. But it's not necessarily helpful. Until you've done some

710
01:25:06.250 --> 01:25:08.710
Lenore: onboarding of each other

711
01:25:09.050 --> 01:25:10.380
Lenore: on your team

712
01:25:10.560 --> 01:25:19.959
Lenore: that there's there's some some level of least basic trust that's already been established. Yeah, I'd also add that this builds trust big time.

713
01:25:20.790 --> 01:25:31.589
Lenore: And because you're being honest about your feelings, I mean. One of the alternatives as a manager is to just kind of pull rank, you know. Tell the other person what to do.

714
01:25:31.790 --> 01:25:37.189
Lenore: tell them what they did was wrong. Whereas if you're actually sharing some of

715
01:25:37.510 --> 01:25:52.000
Lenore: how something impacted you, even if you don't go, the whole needs route and just say when that happens. But sometimes people aren't used to that level of sure forthrightness.

716
01:25:52.220 --> 01:25:56.659
Lenore: And then sometimes some people actually don't use it authentically.

717
01:25:56.780 --> 01:26:17.689
Lenore: So, yeah, okay, I can trust you, and then you go off and do the exact opposite. So trust and trustworthiness comes into it. Equation for me. Yeah, these things definitely occur in a relationship. So if the relationship has a history of trust breaking down.

718
01:26:17.970 --> 01:26:39.710
Lenore: query whether you should even go there and maybe given the reaction I got, maybe you know, I was just talking to Ellen a minute ago. If anyone likes this sort of stuff, the Gottman Institute. So John Gottman is a psychiatrist who spent his career.

719
01:26:39.910 --> 01:26:50.340
Lenore:  He's a researcher and and practitioner on marital relationships, and his claim to fame is that he can predict. It takes him 5 min

720
01:26:50.390 --> 01:26:56.109
Lenore: to predict with about 90% accuracy whether a couple is going to get divorced or not.

721
01:26:56.660 --> 01:27:10.589
Lenore: the way that he does it is he sticks them in a room, and he gets them to discuss a contentious topic. So he basically gets them to have a conflict. and that that is how he can tell with 90% accuracy by how they go about. Conflict

722
01:27:10.730 --> 01:27:12.760
Lenore: is whether they're going to get divorced or not.

723
01:27:13.120 --> 01:27:23.230
Lenore: and he talks about 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, he calls them. and these are 4 behaviors that that

724
01:27:23.260 --> 01:27:29.459
Lenore: additively predict divorce. And so they are. Criticism.

725
01:27:29.750 --> 01:27:33.060
Lenore: defensiveness. stonewalling.

726
01:27:33.070 --> 01:27:36.639
Lenore: So just, you know, cutting off from walking away

727
01:27:36.720 --> 01:27:39.740
Lenore: and contempt.

728
01:27:41.400 --> 01:27:43.199
Lenore: So they're the 4 biggies

729
01:27:43.680 --> 01:27:53.010
Lenore: in terms of your your marriage is in trouble, or your relationship is in trouble. If these any any, let alone multiple of those things are going on.

730
01:27:57.860 --> 01:28:04.410
Lenore: Yeah. So criticism. defensiveness. stonewalling and contempt.

731
01:28:08.320 --> 01:28:11.140
Lenore: And this process helps you sidestep

732
01:28:11.150 --> 01:28:12.660
Lenore: all of those things.

733
01:28:14.290 --> 01:28:17.269
Lenore: any other insights, questions.

734
01:28:18.130 --> 01:28:19.660
Lenore: funny stories.

735
01:28:21.990 --> 01:28:23.780
Lenore: It's time for meditation.

736
01:28:23.790 --> 01:28:34.499
Lenore: Was that a hand almost going up? No, you were. You were messing with your hair? Okay? Fabulous. Well, thanks, guys, and thanks for getting into it. That's our last little activity for the week.

737
01:28:35.890 --> 01:28:36.630
Thank you.